Sorry but something dead serious for a change. I’m over-sharing but that is something Aspies do. Can’t help it.
I’ve been living on my own for 13 months now. I’ve never lived on my own before, never lived without woman in my home before.
Women are my favourite humans. Until I was married, my best friends were always female. Wendy, Bud, Trudi, Heather, Mel etc.
I am an optimist – which is kinda weird if you know I ran what was essentially a global doomsday cult….
So when I found myself alone and single, I did the standard thing and embraced it, rather than wallowing in self pity.
For 6 months I partied hard and did all the things I couldn’t/shouldn’t do as a married man. Bouncers and barmaids knew me by name. Those first 6 months I was looking for love, but something wasn’t right, and I figure women sensed that in me.
Then depression kicked in and I took medication. My understanding is that depression is grief. Grief for something internal instead of external (someone dying). And the process to get over depression is the same as grief.
- Denial & Isolation (six months of partying)
- Anger (punching walls)
- Bargaining (thinking about what I did wrong in my marriage)
- Depression (crying at work (many times), for example)
- Acceptance
I’m off the meds now and something has changed. I’m open for love rather than hunting for love. Scientists will tell you that love happens when you are in the right mood (+pheromones).
There are two outward indicators I can think of that highlight where I know I am:
- I am enjoying chatting to strangers of any age and gender, without being on a mission to make friends or find love
- I’m dancing. I am shit at dancing, but the whole point is to enjoy yourself, not be a star. I haven’t danced this much since Edinburgh
Still, there are some issues…
With the right person I would want more kids. My current kids are awesome and my best friends. But I miss babies. I don’t need more kids but I would find that irresistible if the opportunity arose with the right woman. I’m totally fine without more kids, I’m just saying it has appeal.
At my age, and with my fierce loyalty, I expect that my next partner will be my last. Which means I should avoid anything nice but not amazing. That’s hard!
My drinking has become problematic. It is especially bad after having the kids and walking into an empty apartment. I liken it to being a prisoner who gets to go home on weekends. I know it will come right once I have a new partner, but they can’t know or expect that. Last night my memory stopped at 6:30 pm. I vaguely recall holding hands with someone but I don’t know where that went… That is sad. I have bruised knuckles, my watch is gone, and my hamstrings are telling me I danced a bit….
Finally, I need to be more assertive. Historically love has just happened. I have never ever asked someone out on a date. Either they have led the way or things juts happened without me trying. For the first time ever I am going to ask someone out 🙂
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