— Bob-a-job-alog-a-roonie

In an ideal world, two people believe that each is the one for them, out of 8 billion people. That some sacred force brings them together, and by chance they lived in the same suburb or knew people in common.

In reality one is probably thinking that way, and the other is thinking, OK, they’ll do.

With my autism, I feel more, and I over think. This has meant obsessive love – not stalker level, but definitely write-a-song-or-poem-about level.

Romantic love is one of 7 types of love traditionally. But I figure there is another: romantic benevolent love.

The common factor in all of my employment is that I just want to help. It seems to be my catch cry. And yet in romance I only aspire to what I can achieve for myself. Now that I accept that at the very best only half of all people can achieve that, and mostly it could be a fallacy, perhaps romantic love can come from providing rather than receiving.

Via providing, other types of love can emerge?

Problem: aspiring towards your one true love has a singular goal. Aspiring to help and provide love for others, there are many goals, perhaps 8 billion goals. So how would you know if you are achieving the best you can? And is it too easy? And does it ultimately fill the soul with love each day?

Sorry but something dead serious for a change. I’m over-sharing but that is something Aspies do. Can’t help it.

I’ve been living on my own for 13 months now. I’ve never lived on my own before, never lived without woman in my home before.

Women are my favourite humans. Until I was married, my best friends were always female. Wendy, Bud, Trudi, Heather, Mel etc.

I am an optimist – which is kinda weird if you know I ran what was essentially a global doomsday cult….

So when I found myself alone and single, I did the standard thing and embraced it, rather than wallowing in self pity.

For 6 months I partied hard and did all the things I couldn’t/shouldn’t do as a married man. Bouncers and barmaids knew me by name. Those first 6 months I was looking for love, but something wasn’t right, and I figure women sensed that in me.

Then depression kicked in and I took medication. My understanding is that depression is grief. Grief for something internal instead of external (someone dying). And the process to get over depression is the same as grief.

• Denial & Isolation (six months of partying)
  
• Anger (punching walls)
• Bargaining (thinking about what I did wrong in my marriage)
• Depression (crying at work (many times), for example)
• Acceptance

I’m off the meds now and something has changed. I’m open for love rather than hunting for love. Scientists will tell you that love happens when you are in the right mood (+pheromones).

There are two outward indicators I can think of that highlight where I know I am:

• I am enjoying chatting to strangers of any age and gender, without being on a mission to make friends or find love
• I’m dancing. I am shit at dancing, but the whole point is to enjoy yourself, not be a star. I haven’t danced this much since Edinburgh

Still, there are some issues…

With the right person I would want more kids. My current kids are awesome and my best friends. But I miss babies. I don’t need more kids but I would find that irresistible if the opportunity arose with the right woman. I’m totally fine without more kids, I’m just saying it has appeal.

At my age, and with my fierce loyalty, I expect that my next partner will be my last. Which means I should avoid anything nice but not amazing. That’s hard!

My drinking has become problematic. It is especially bad after having the kids and walking into an empty apartment. I liken it to being a prisoner who gets to go home on weekends.  I know it will come right once I have a new partner, but they can’t know or expect that. Last night my memory stopped at 6:30 pm. I vaguely recall holding hands with someone but I don’t know where that went… That is sad. I have bruised knuckles, my watch is gone, and my hamstrings are telling me I danced a bit….

Finally, I need to be more assertive. Historically love has just happened.  I have never ever asked someone out on a date. Either they have led the way or things juts happened without me trying. For the first time ever I am going to ask someone out 🙂

I’ve had this opinion for 20 years and it hasn’t needed any revision….

Everybody is f*cked up, one way or another. If you approach people with this in mind, you might have more empathy and you might have more use.

1. F*cked up and blissfully unaware
2. F*cked up and struggling with it
3. F*cked up and dealing with it

There’s no right or wrong, it is just three versions of the same thing. However #3 is clearly the ideal for most people*. For example, Donald Trump is severely f*cked up and is blissfully unaware of it. While he might lead a contented life, he is unaware of the impact he has on others.

You will know someone who is battling their demons and it is not pretty to watch. They are #2.

People who are at #3 are more likely to evolve and thrive as a human being. They are still f*cked up, they just recognise it and deal with it.

If you approach everyone in the world as being in one of these 3 categories, you will be a better citizen (in my opinion). Give it a go, it’s only a a view and you can switch it off if it doesn’t suit you. For me the hardest part of this philosophy is staying positive.

I consider myself a #3. I had severe problems with my parents, my brother, drugs, alcohol and not knowing I was Aspergers. I consider all these issues resolved.

*there are many instances where being unaware would be the best outcome, typically involving childhood trauma.

I think I look best with 3-5 days growth, and obviously the number of days will vary between men due to growth rates, and also how it matches their face. The key takeaway here is probably that women think men with beards make better fathers, and that heavy stubble suggests virility. I think it would be a different story if they only asked women, and only regarding a one-night stand. I think clean-shaven would win that one.

Here’s the article via Science:

Men may now think twice about reaching for a razor. A new study shows that facial hair says a lot about a man and that attractiveness peaks at the “heavy stubble” phase. Researchers photographed 10 men at four stages of beard growth: clean shaven, 5-day “light” stubble, 10-day “heavy” stubble (shown), and fully bearded. Three hundred and fifty-one women and 177 heterosexual men viewed the photos and rated each face for attractiveness, masculinity, health, and parenting ability. Women ranked heavily stubbled faces as the most attractive. Participants said that the clean-shaven men looked about as healthy and attractive as those with a full beard, but rated the bearded men higher for perceived parenting skills. Light stubble got the short end of the stick, garnering low scores across the board from both men and women. The 5-day growth may be too patchy, the researchers write in the May issue of Evolution and Human Behavior, which suggests “a threshold of density and distribution may be necessary for beards to function as an attractive signal.” Stubble conveys maturity and manliness, they write, with less of the macho aggressiveness implied by a full beard.