— Bob-a-job-alog-a-roonie

A very short film starring amazing young unknown actors idea:

Running or traipsing, forest or wild beach, two young beautiful slightly weird creatures amble forth.

The humans suddenly realise they have each reached the toilet block, from opposing directions. At precisely the same time.

Each has the same dilemma, give in to my need for the toilet, or consider the opinion of this new person who instantly appeals to me.

They meet at a distance just far enough away from the block to suggest they were merely passing through, drawn to each other, slightly sheepishly.

They have an odd chat, and start to become amorous.

And as they do, the needs for the toilet, and the passions for each other, grow.

We see their dream versions of all the possible outcomes, covering platonic love, covert pleasures, pornographic acts, awkward dismissals, thunderstorms and more. In the toilet or not. Visions seen very quickly.

We need to choose by entering the combination on your controller. 90s, Running Man style.

Ham was an ordinary, middle-class, white-ish 17-year-old in Middle America. He was insanely brilliant but otherwise unremarkable.

Ham loved stand-up comedy, worshipped standup comedy. Ham noticed that many comedians aimed most of their jokes around a (society perceived) negative aspect of themselves. Nobody ever dissed them for their “negative aspect”. (A lot of comedians start their night with an acknowledgement of how they look).

He decided to study the art of comedy, while transforming into a black-fat-trans-Jewish socialist who wears clothes really badly.

A decade later and Ham is the most famous person in the world. While his comedy wasn’t ground-breaking, it was self-deprecating on so many levels that nobody dared dislike him.

How badly he/she wore clothes become the biggest social media discussion ever.

Then, because he thought about it for ages and was a genius, decided to charge major fashion houses a fee to never wear their clothes.

Ultimately it was a protection racket, and each fashion house on their own decided to remove Ham from the equation.

From being on-top-of-the-world, Ham is suddenly a heavy, unfit, billionaire not-street-savvy target of the assassins from 100 corporations. Reverse Battle Royale.

—–

Movie chronology:

a. Fat, sweating desperate Ham surrounded by assassins.

b. the journey from teen to his first hit comedy special

c. legal battle to charge for not wearing something

Repeat. a,b,c,a,b,c… until each reaches its climax – defeating assassins, brilliant joke at the end of the comedy special, and winning court case in a very PC way.

—–

Defeating the assassins is suddenly an Ocean’s 11 type story, because we forgot that earlier on we knew he was a genius. Everything pre-planned and engineered.

This is the everything movie. Action, social commentary, comedy, (throw something quirky in) and an almost negligible romance, plus drugs, sex, politics etc.

—-

And then the shock twist. He defeats the 100 assassins and becomes the most evil dictator of all time. Lesson learned people, don’t accept the odd ones. Or not?

Think Big Momma’s House x John Wick, but serious and social commentary (x Joker)

This is an odd one… a mix of Antman, spy movies and Ancient Aliens.

In pre-human times many other spaceships arrived worldwide. The size of a football.

They bio-engineered man.

The aliens are smaller than Antman. Too small for human eye to notice.

They only live for one of our years. Are born and trained for a singular mission like a tick.
The Tweakers are fragile. They die easily.

The energy source to fly ships was depleted long ago.

They also bioengineered key humans like Jesus.

Their work is to save themselves. And humans , their purpose for being here.

They can’t communicate over distance with their own gear. They must relay info via humans. Isn’t very good.

They travel via humans, jump on legs, and in human vehicles.

They can climb inside humans and add recorders to their eyes. The recorders can’t be attached to walls etc like the old days because they give off infrared and could be discovered.

They plant recorders in world leaders and homeless people. They often work on old data because recovering recorders takes effort.

Story: not my problem. Someone with dramatic skills can write it 🙂

Movie 2: new ships arrive on Earth 

They can fire a gun with camera or sperm into appropriate areas.

Immaculate conception.

They can send thoughts to brains, or suggestions or sways.

Introduce the force of care and magic.

Idea: 90% of humans are synthetic and made by their rivals.

The hour it took me to get home, I spun four words around my head: billiards; tractors; chart & wagon circle. They were arrived at via a camaraderie of sophisticated old cunts. And various potions.

And as I approached home, I concentrated on keeping those thoughts clear and present, because walking through doors tends to push the delete button of recent things.

I kept them, and while I still had the barest consciousness, I elaborated while my/those memories of thoughts still existed….

Billiards Man – think Jim Carrey remaking The Hustler (starring Paul Newman). Billiards Man comes from nowhere and wins every game he plays at great, profitable odds. Yes, billiards. Everyone who knows snooker and pool has heard of billiards. Some don’t understand it. They’ll come see the movie.

Is he a robot with AI? Is he a child prodigy from Russia who was kept in isolation training for decades against his will? Or is he someone who has found the best concoction of alcoholic beverages and illicit substances to hit the sweet shot for hours on end?

Pirate Tractors – hold onto your hats, a whole new sci-fi-fantasy genre! We live in a simulation, but a fucking good one. Every thought everyone has, creates a new Yes/No timeline. Infinite universes. On top of the infinite, the AI that runs the simulation has whimsy. And when the weirdest shit comes out of the mouths of babes, the AI chooseth to make that its own special timeline.

So we enter a world when a kid trying to say chiropractor said “pirate tractor”.

A bunch of kids, in NZ, 50 kms from the coast so they feel landlocked, watch the latest Pirates movie, and decide to make a pirate ship from a tractor.

But wait! In their earlier years they were forced to read a book about a bear (right and wrong, socialist/wanker). That bear killed his enemies in the nicest way he could imagine. The kids kill all that confront them except we never see them die and there’s a good chance they didn’t.

It becomes a movement and grows in size (more tractors)

Until they reach the steps of parliament.

Slut versus Partner for Life / Age Chart – Two charts, one for 24 and one for 52, showing the age of a woman on one axis, and their propensity to be on the slut / partner for life spectrum. This is the 0.5.

Wagon Circle. Predictably the Box Office winner. An underdog sports movie in every way except the sports bit.

Homeless people form a wagon circle, just like the …. of the Wild West.

Police can’t interfere because it is classed as a domestic structure, and without being at an actual address they can’t.

It becomes a movement and grows in size (more shopping trolleys, yes, figured you were confused right now…)

Until they reach the steps of parliament.

(maybe a side story about the manager of shopping trolley management (UK)).

Probably throw in some class stereotypes?? A Scottish movie like this had a Trump type.

Tilt the story to suit any colonisation or ethnic uprising story the executive producer feels is important.

—-

It was my 5th brilliant memory of the night.

Through palm trees, glitching signs for cigarettes except that’s not a thing any more

Gutters mostly leaves

Memories are the dreams of a future we

And the other way around also

My dreams save me

(from a dream)

The entire planet wakes up on Sunday and (while they remember the preceding days just fine), have zero recollection of Saturday.

That’s it… Get some sci-fi freaks and movie writers in a room and make it happen

A gardener who rose to fame quickly, Joseph Paxton was an English MP, and that was his 3rd most noteworthy achievement. He also invented the Cavendish banana (to say this variety is popular would be putting it mildly), and designed the Crystal Palace – a extraordinary building that housed the Great Exhibition in 1851. Yep, it was over 500m long and 139 wide, with a glass roof. It was built in just 8 months and at one stage they were installing 18,000 panes of glass per week. Absolutely extraordinary.

So, the movie idea… Frame it around this amazing gentleman, to highlight the incredible achievements of the British Empire of the that era. The Great Exhibition housed 13,000 exhibits from 44 countries, some of them very weird and marvellous indeed. This was where many people had their first experience of the flushing toilet… All sorts of other interesting things can take tangents. Think a Wes Anderson film.

Think Children of the Corn… the idea of kids turning on adults is superb, and probably a statement on the state of society or something…

Premise:

• Aliens arrive
• They can take over the minds of young folk, but not adults
• Goal: cause humans to wipe out humans

Of course some smarty-pants works out that the kids are the cause, and he sets out to destroy them. Yep, big taboo to save humanity,

The original was futuristic, but boring. This one will be a flop!

• Jeff Bridges – no star pull with the kids
• Too much spent on it, should have been way cheaper
• Publicity suggests it will be as interesting as watching your mate play MotoGP on the XBox
• No hot chicks

UPDATE: Took $44 million in the USA on the first weekend, but wait and see it drop rapidly down the rankings, because all the devoted fans have seen it, and leaves nobody else.